Chocolate Cake

We cheated.

See, as i explained to him, this is like a diet. We have both agreed to this ridiculous arrangement to not have contact for three months so we can get ourselves "in shape" for the other.

Our "barely breathing" marriages should have long ago ended. We both need to figure out why we were there so long to begin with, why we let the horror continue. Abusive situations for each of us that left us shattered and broken, in different ways. He's actually filed papers. I'm still needing to file mine. There is work to be done here.

But we want this life together and 90 days gives us a jump on not making our departures from our marriages about each other. This isn't about leaving for him. I know that deep in my heart. I would have loved to have seen the happy ending in my own marriage, but verbal abuse cuts deep and it's too far gone for salvage.

And so this "hiatus" is a bit like a diet. A self imposed restrictive "diet" where we are limited in our "caloric contact" with each other. A phone call is as bad as three Big Macs, large fries, coke, to go, please. No emails, no texts, no hot sex.....sigh.

So how's it going two days in?

We cheated. That's how it's going.

I couldn't stand it. I had to reach him and I had a relatively legitimate reason why, concerning something I thought i'd left around that would give us away. Once we had figured out he had the incriminating evidence, contact should have ended. But we couldn't stop talking......

So we ate the cake. The whole fucking thing. We chatted for several hours and I indulged in every last bite. Funny though, we never did talk about sex, one of our favorite topics.

He felt more remorse than I. He really wants to do this and be loyal to the process. I was giving us more room for error because on the heels of our amazing two days together, we had managed to not call or text each other all day yesterday. That was progress, right?

I was seriously questioning our decision because timing-wise, we just set ourselves up to make this so hard.....I mean two days together, non-stop "us" and then boom! Cold Turkey?

Shit it's like detox after a two day bender.

I have to be good. I have to stop looking at the chocolate cake. I have to stick to the diet and do what i said i would, honor the process. Keep looking at his beautiful picture, though. Damn.

I have a session with my "trainer" tonight....otherwise known as therapy. He is going to help me kick this habit for 90 days and remind me why i need to do this. And i'll complain the whole time, I'm certain. Eye on the prize, just keep your eye on the prize.

But, damn that was good cake.

88 days.....but who's counting?

(89-09-J/B)