Day 3
Let me off the ride.
This gut wrenching/ heart wrenching feeling continues. I actually dreamed I was on a roller coaster last night, that stomach dropping feeling as we climbed to the top and plunged down ridiculous grades. And then there was that song.
The song he sent me that I've been playing over and over that ran through my head like it was on repeat, through most of my sleep.
I admit that i'm a mess.
I border on vomitting, crying and/or screaming at the top of my lungs. The fight with "barely hanging on" husband took it out of me last night.
Let me off the ride.
This gut wrenching/ heart wrenching feeling continues. I actually dreamed I was on a roller coaster last night, that stomach dropping feeling as we climbed to the top and plunged down ridiculous grades. And then there was that song.
The song he sent me that I've been playing over and over that ran through my head like it was on repeat, through most of my sleep.
I admit that i'm a mess.
I border on vomitting, crying and/or screaming at the top of my lungs. The fight with "barely hanging on" husband took it out of me last night.
Then it was a phone call with my mother this morning. Did i know what i was doing? Was this the right thing to do? Fuck!!!!!!!!
Are you kidding me, mom? I can't figure out if I put on the right boots with my dress this morning. I've spared her the asshole that is her son-in-law for 10 years, protecting her from the shitty things he's said about her and my family.
Are you kidding me, mom? I can't figure out if I put on the right boots with my dress this morning. I've spared her the asshole that is her son-in-law for 10 years, protecting her from the shitty things he's said about her and my family.
Forget what he has done to me, her daughter. I protected her from that, thinking that i would need her to be kind at Christmas dinners, birthday parties, etc. I didn't want her to hate him.
Now I think that might be helpful.
My neck is so tight with tension I can't turn my head. Or maybe it's from the air mattress i'm calling a bed the last four weeks that is on the basement floor since he won't leave the bedroom.
And then there's the other him. 87 more days of no contact.
Wondering what is happening with him, wondering how is feeling, what's he thinking. Is he okay? Does he miss me as much as I miss him? Does he remember my touch, my kiss, my love? God, it's only been three days since we last touched, but it feels like a world away, a lifetime away.
I'm wondering if i use a lifeline or if it's too soon. We've already cheated once. Trying to be strong, trying to respect what we both need to do. Hoping there is life on the other side for him and I. Hoping this reprieve gives us a chance to deal with our situations, separately of one another, so we can find each other when it's said and done.
My therapist told me it's good, that the other him and I need to do this, although he thinks it's very difficult. He doubts our strength to follow through on the 90 days. The doubt makes me determined to do this.
I tell therapist I want a better me. I tell him I want to get "down and dirty" with me, my bullshit, my baggage. I want to spend the next couple of months in therapy understanding what i've done here, what i've lived through and what is left of me when the smoke clears.
Therapist offers insight into my weekend with "other him".
I tell him about how the other him takes care of me, is chivalrous and romantic. He actually tells me this is good, given my practicality and disbelief of romantic love the last decade.
"This balance of romantic love and practical love might be a really good thing for you," he says of the other him. I actually take that as endorsement of "him" and smile. My therapist thinks he'd be good for me.
Sigh.
I feel like a fish, removed from its tank. Left to flip and flip, flounder and falter, this way and that.......would some one please put me back in the water?
(no.9)
Now I think that might be helpful.
My neck is so tight with tension I can't turn my head. Or maybe it's from the air mattress i'm calling a bed the last four weeks that is on the basement floor since he won't leave the bedroom.
And then there's the other him. 87 more days of no contact.
Wondering what is happening with him, wondering how is feeling, what's he thinking. Is he okay? Does he miss me as much as I miss him? Does he remember my touch, my kiss, my love? God, it's only been three days since we last touched, but it feels like a world away, a lifetime away.
I'm wondering if i use a lifeline or if it's too soon. We've already cheated once. Trying to be strong, trying to respect what we both need to do. Hoping there is life on the other side for him and I. Hoping this reprieve gives us a chance to deal with our situations, separately of one another, so we can find each other when it's said and done.
My therapist told me it's good, that the other him and I need to do this, although he thinks it's very difficult. He doubts our strength to follow through on the 90 days. The doubt makes me determined to do this.
I tell therapist I want a better me. I tell him I want to get "down and dirty" with me, my bullshit, my baggage. I want to spend the next couple of months in therapy understanding what i've done here, what i've lived through and what is left of me when the smoke clears.
Therapist offers insight into my weekend with "other him".
I tell him about how the other him takes care of me, is chivalrous and romantic. He actually tells me this is good, given my practicality and disbelief of romantic love the last decade.
"This balance of romantic love and practical love might be a really good thing for you," he says of the other him. I actually take that as endorsement of "him" and smile. My therapist thinks he'd be good for me.
Sigh.
I feel like a fish, removed from its tank. Left to flip and flip, flounder and falter, this way and that.......would some one please put me back in the water?
(no.9)
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