Happy

He came to see me.
Heart skips, plans made, timing just right.
It was challenging to work out the details as it's getting harder to cover tracks, to hide our relationship, especially when we want nothing more than to be public with how we feel. We're both still stuck in remnants of our bad marriages. It's complicated.
But he came here.
And i drank him in, every touch, every taste, every smell. Every kiss.
We spent two glorious nights waking to each other's touch. We made love every second we possibly could. We reveled in time together, meals together, plans together, life together......even if just for a little while. I loved just bringing him coffee and making him eggs.

We escaped to the city one night where no one knows us, to immerse ourselves in a world where we are mere strangers to the passing faces on the streets, and we could be with each other. We held hands walking down city sidewalks, we stopped on corners to kiss. He worried about my being too tired to walk around, being too cold. He's not used to someone who can roll with it, who doesn't need a plan, a place to be seen, but he was the ever present boyfriend, so kind and caring, so loving -and so hot!

I have to admit I'm taken with him. I love just watching this man walk into the room. Walking towards me, reaching for me. He's beautiful. He's handsome to a fault. He's fucking hot. Jeans and a black sweater, flips flops. Hot. Striped shirt and jeans. Hot.
I'm completely attracted to him, just as I was 20 years ago.

We laughed a lot. We talked about our hopes for life together.
And then we made this really stupid decision not to talk or have contact for the next three months. We had decided this would be the best way to work out our shit.
We have decided we are better than "affair couple." This is more than just an indulgent way to escape our shitty marriages for a brief time. We have aspirations of life together, not just escapism every six weeks.
So we'll put this on hold. We stop talking every day. We stop texting and emailing. We stop being immersed in each other's lives.

This sounded very mature, very much the right thing to do. We made promises of cleaning up our messes, putting our broken marriages out of there misery, seeking therapy for ourselves to be responsible for our baggage. To stop relating our gloom and doom with each other and stop making our relationship about that. It was time for us to step out of our bubble and back into our lives so we can actually have a shot at this. Very grown up and very evolved.
But as our weekend started coming to a close and our fated "hiatus" was about to begin, i began to panic.
Seriously panic.
I was struck with fear. How was I going to be away from him? How was going to not call him, not reach out to him. As we lay in bed that last night, I told him how scared I was, he told me he was too. He pulled me closer in that hotel bed and put his hand on my heart. We slept this way for several hours.

When we were showering together the next day, it was his turn to panic. "I don't think i can do this," he said, fear in his eyes. " I know," i said. We held each other with the water streaming down us, our hands on each others hearts. "i know."
When we finally came to "goodbye" i started to panic again. How would I do this? My heart was pounding in my chest and i couldn't pull myself away from him, from his embrace.
I welled with tears, my heart exploding with the hurt of loosing him, -again. Would I see him again?

I drove away with a knot in my throat and my eyes on the rear view mirror.
Three life lines. We built in three in three months. An email, a text, a phone call.
This morning I received lifeline 1 in my inbox.
It was a clip of a song with instructions to listen to every word.

This is what I heard:

"Some need gold and some need diamond rings
or a drug to take away the pain that living brings
promise of a better world to come
when whatever here is done
i don't need a sky of blue, baby
all i know since i've found you
i'm happy when i'm in your arms
happy darling come the dawn
happy when i taste your kiss
i'm happy in a love like this

there is a house up on a distant hill
where you can here the laughter of children ring
guardian angels they watch from above
guarding over the love that they bring
but at night i feel the darkness near
and i wake and i find you near
i'm happy with you in my arms
happy with you in my heart
happy when i taste your kiss
i'm happy in a love like this

in a world of doubt and fear
i wake at night
and reach to find you near
lost in a dream you caught me as i fell
i want more than just a dream to tell

born in this world
darling with few days
and trouble never far behind
man and woman circle each other in a cage
a cage that's been handed down the line
lost and running beneath a million dead stars
tonight let's shed our skin and slip these bars
happy in each other's arms
happy baby come the dark
happy in each other's kiss
i'm happy in a love like this"

God, i love him.
Only 89 days left....