Torture

Day Two & 3/4....

This is painful.

I realize now how hard this is going to be and why.

Just stepped away from knock down drag out with "hanging on by a thread" husband and he's back to his old ways. At the first sign of my wanting out and wanting to leave, he promised change, turned over a new leaf, apologized, cried, begged, etc, etc. Several months later, he's pissed that i won't try, pissed i can't get over what's been said or done.

Tonight in his typical verbal abuse/masked as converational tone sarcasm, I felt myself floundering, feeling the need to defend myself. Feeling the need to argue with him, feeling the need for him to understand that I'm not what he says I am.

Once I find myself in that place, it's easy to let the anger flow. A decade of abuse comes flooding back and I feel justified in my rage, almost as though I owe him this. For all the shit I've taken over the years, he can sit there and listen to the hurt and the pain come spewing out of me in the form of anger.

It leaves me hollering and him goading me into more, questioning my mental stability, my family, my mothering skills.
I won't lie, it stings, even still. Somehow I lose my footing and I start to slip off the path of "i know better" and "you don't need his approval".

This is when I would reach for the other him, -this loving man who has been there to kiss the boo-boos, wipe away the tears, put the band-aid on the skinned knees.


He would remind me that he's wrong, he would remind me not to be invested in what he thinks of me anymore. He would remind me that I am good. And he would tell me he loves me. This i know undeniably.

But as he told me last night, it's time to break that pattern. I've done it for him, too. Coached him through the words to say when his abuser/wife tears him down. Reminded him that he is loving and is a good dad. But now, we can no longer look to each other for this survival skill.


I need to do it on my own. I need to step forward into my decision and not look back. I need to make this okay for my child and I need to make this okay for me.

I no longer need to accept this torture as my fate. I don't have to love this man I've called my husband even though he didn't love me. I don't have to be willing to take what little love he would give and call it enough. I don't owe him anymore of myself.

The debt is with myself.

Somewhere I will find me and there will be courage to take that next step.

Tomorrow I will pick up the phone, take a deep breath, and jump into the waters of starting my life without him.
Or him.